MySpace, Facebook, Xanga, LiveJournal…blogs, social networking… "What does this all mean?” parents wonder. “And do I really need to learn about this?”
The answer to the second question above is YES! Blogging sites are becoming increasingly popular with teenagers, and there are risks parents need to be aware of. Numerous school officials have had to take the lead in educating parents because online issues have spilled over into problems at school. Parents cannot sit in the dark any longer; we’ll help you gain a better understanding of the issues starting here and now.
What it’s about:
The majority of your kids use the internet regularly; they socialize and communicate via Instant Messenger (IM), use the internet for research and homework, and almost half of them are at least looking at the popular “social networking” sites. MySpace, Facebook, LiveJournal and Xanga are the sites most often named, and while only 20% of kids 12 – 17* keep a blog there, over 40% of teens visit them regularly. MySpace is the largest of these sites, with around 42 million users. Users – often teens - post their profile which they customize with photos and descriptions of their interests, friends, favorite music, etc. Viewers can post messages to the user via the built-in messaging component, and the messages are visible for all to read. These sites usually require users to be of a certain [unenforceable] age, and to use the site according to their stated requirements.
When the user sets up his account he has several options to consider. One option is to set it up so that only invited visitors can leave messages. This means everyone who is not designated as a “friend” is only able to view this person’s area, not interact with him. If this option is not selected, anyone can post messages to this user.
Take a look:
Go to http://www.MySpace.com and browse around; it’s not hard. You’ll find some kids’ pages are very sweet, indeed. This is a medium they understand; if you’ve never created a webpage you may find yourself in a new world, a world that our teenagers relate to. They choose the image they want to communicate by their choice of colors, layout, words and music. It can be rather charming, and many kids come across as sweet and honest. But nestled right next to the sweet naiveté you’ll find some suggestive or raunchy pictures, profanity, and references that may upset you. Some kids – perhaps many kids - are misrepresenting their age, and promoting an image that might not be doing them any favors.
Teens’ point of view:
The odd issue here, is that many teenagers consider these areas to be private, and that parents and adults who visit these areas are invading their privacy. I’ve been told that I should “ask permission” to view a teenager’s site. That anyone in the world can view their site seems to escape them completely. If and when you browse through these sites, be prepared for some resistance, particularly from older teens.
The issues for parents:
What, exactly, do parents need to consider in this area that is generating so much discussion? The main issues are, as always, around safety. But as internet use also involves communication, appropriate social behavior, presenting one’s image, and issues around freedom of expression, parents need to take a closer look. Exactly how you do that will be determined by your beliefs, communication style, your teenager’s behavior, and the age of your teen.
Snooping vs Safety:
If your child was in trouble would you go through his drawers to keep him safe? There comes a time where parental responsibility exceeds a child’s right to privacy. Parents will need to use your best judgment in where that line lies and exactly how you address this issue.
Parents who established rules from the beginning about internet use and communication will have it easier as their kids have been taught that the computer is not a place free from supervision. Parents who made rules but didn’t look over their kids’ shoulders may run into this “privacy” cry head on. Don’t be deterred because a lot is at stake today. Kids who post information they wouldn’t want college recruiters, coaches, or potential employers to see can benefit from advice from knowledgeable adults.
If you’ve been telling your teenager that s/he cannot talk to strangers in chat rooms, you need to know that strangers may enter their space and initiate conversation in other ways unless they are blocked. Kids often misrepresent their age, but identify the school they attend. What they think is an untraceable posting is often anything but that. So parents have a responsibility to gain knowledge now and to act on that knowledge; being naïve can hurt your teen.
Posing, Posturing and Peer image:
Adolescence is a time when kids are formulating their self-image, a process which often includes some experimentation, trial and error. Much of this process is done in view of their peers, as teens try on different roles and personas. Although this developmental process can be confusing for parents, often this experimentation falls into “normal” bounds. Think of the current college scholar you know who dressed in all black as a high school freshman. Or the former preppy cheerleader who has relaxed her image as she dons her “Birks.” Put into this context, posing as something they are not, may not be harmful or inherently bad. In fact, experimenting in cyberspace with an imaginary persona may feel more comfortable than experimenting in real life.
Take the boy who, on his weblog answered “Yes” to the question: “Did you get drunk last weekend?” When confronted, this 15 year old replied to his Mom that he "doesn’t really drink," he just said that to be “cool.” An 18 year old girl whom I know presents herself with a provocative pose on her MySpace page – definitely not projecting the shy girl I’m familiar with. She is fully clothed, and while nothing is inherently wrong in her photo, she projects an image quite different than the quiet persona she projects in person. Kids who experiment in this way may not be crossing the lines of acceptable behavior, although a parent may find it disturbing... and an opportunity for important discussion, at least.
Crossing the line:
Posing as another person is all too common on the internet, and is often the cause of hurtful behavior. Kids have been known to send messages pretending they are somebody else, messages that cause unnecessary pain and misunderstanding. This is miscommunication at its worst, and it exemplifies some of the primary dangers of web communication. Maybe you’ve heard the term “Cyber-bullying.” This is worth learning about because it’s happening in middle and high schools every day. Again, there’s a role for parental intervention here if your teen has posed as someone else in their internet communication.
(For an excellent 2 minute video about these dangers go to NetSmartz.com and view the video “Cyberbullying and Broken Friendship.”)
Real Dangers:
Don’t kid yourself that the dangers aren’t real. Recent (February 2006) incidents with seven Connecticut teenagers has police investigating if the sexual assaults were the result of meetings initiated through MySpace.com. Predators can find it easy to obtain personal information – including telephone numbers and addresses – of kids who are listed on internet sites or participating anonymously in internet chat rooms.
(For an excellent short video demonstrating just how easy this is, go to NetSmartz.com and view “Tracking Teresa.”)
The bottom line:
Don’t panic, but become informed. Parents should know about kids’ actual activities in cyberspace. Ignorance is not an acceptable excuse. If your child has a posting on one of the weblogs she can probably use some guidance about appropriate ways to present herself to the world. It makes sense to discuss online communication and its consequences. Even older teens need to know that adults will be aware of what they present online, and the potential impact of this. These are not private areas.
Rules of your Home – Begin with Family Culture:
What do you teach your kids about communicating with strangers? What do you teach them about appropriate language? Beth Fredericks, a parenting educator who has run internet safety classes says “Begin with your family culture. Keep rules of internet use consistent with all the other rules you’ve made for your family as they grow.” Don’t be intimidated by kids who claim this is their private area…there is nothing private about it.
Recommendations:
- Keep the computer in an open family space, NOT in a child’s bedroom.
- Limit online time.
- Be aware of how your child is spending her online time.
- Educate your teens about internet realities – these areas are not private, and it is possible to trace users if they reveal even limited personal information.
- Never talk in open chatrooms.
- Never share your password or ask for the password from a friend.
- Never pose as someone you are not.
- When talking online, only say things that you would say if you were face-to face.
Resources:
- isafe.org is an organization that provides information and training for parents and educators around internet safety. (Visit http://www.isafe.org to learn more about this free program.)
- NetSmartz.org (www.NetSmartz.org) is another informational resource for parents and they offer worthwhile informational videos you can view online as well as other resources.
*from a study by the Pew Internet & American Life Project
© 2006 Sue Blaney
Sue Blaney is the author of Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride, and Practical Tips for Parents of Young Teens; What You Can Do to Enhance Your Child’s Middle School Years. As a communications expert and the parent of two teenagers, she speaks frequently to parents, educators, and other professionals about parenting issues, improving communication, increasing parent involvement, and creating parent discussion groups. Visit her website at Please Stop the Rollercoaster and her blog at Parenting Teenagers.net
